Men Are Shallow

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Men are shallow

That is the perception anyway. We don’t want deep relationships, we want someone we can hang out with who won’t ask us tough questions.

The worst thing anyone could ask us is “What are you thinking about?”
Of course there are zillions of studies out there showing how women are always talking in relationship and men are usually talking about farts.

Or making fart noises.

Or farting. We have a stereotype.

Guilty as charged. I am a man who wants the fun of the relationship without the work of talking about it. I just want it to work.


Relationships are like cars: you have to do certain things to keep it running well. For me, it is easier to change my oil than to keep my marriage running “like a top”. Why? Cause I can show you my dirty hands and used oil filter proving my car maintenance.

Relationships don’t have a “Check Engine” light, so sometimes it has escaped my notice when things aren’t running as well as they should. Wouldn’t it be great if there was a light letting you know you needed to do something?

“Hey Earl”, your buddy would say, “you may want to check her need for intimate conversation, the check relationship light is blinkin’”.

And off we would go to fix the problem; we would even have special overalls for the job.


Let’s get back to the real world, where the most important person in your life is slowly deteriorating and you don’t know it. She’s giving you little reminders of her needs and you aren’t getting it. Want a tool that works. Talk to her.

“I don’t know what to say.”

Ok, let me give you a framework to create a starting point for you. I know this works because THE ONE reminded me how this tool can reconnect us quickly and let us get back to other things. The acronym is FANOS.

F – Feeling. For example, “I’m feeling tired after changing the oil on the car.”
A – Affirmation. This is a time to tell her you noticed something she did. “I want to tell how much I appreciate the new overalls you bought me.”
N – Needs. Express a need you have, knowing that it may go unfulfilled. “I really need you to tell me when the check engine light is on.”
O – Ownership. Take ownership of something you have done, which might require an apology. “I farted in your car, sorry.”
S – Sobriety. You can talk about your porn habit and how it is going. If you’re not struggling currently, talk about something else: “I got angry about the car, but then I remembered when you told me last week about it.”

Reference the original here: FANOS by Mark and Debbie Laaser.

Dig Deeper

I don’t believe men are shallow; I believe we lack training. You can be deeper, or at least appear to be, by using FANOS. You can even schedule it, just like an oil change. Use this every two or three days, to make the connection she needs. Soon, you will realize you needed it too. It will be our little secret that you have needs.